Relapse: Thoughts of going back

Hi, my name is Honeybrown, and I am an ex-perm addict
Hi, Honeybrown

It's been 7 months and 8 days since my last perm, and I must write this blog to be truthful, right? So, I must admit that I have fallen on times where I have wanted to go back to relaxed status. The drug is a hard one to completely get over. Like my relationship with my heavenly Daddy, there are times when I focus on what's not going right and forget what is going right.

As the cold air crept into the mornings, I started having problems with my hair. Oh how easy it was in the summer to wash and go and still have my defined curls. But, the cold wind brought about a change, and though I knew I couldn't do the same things I did with my hair in the summer, I was, for the first time, having a bit of a problem with the "cotton ball" hair as my friend calls it. So, as any human being I started doubting my choice of going natural. I looked at people who had relaxed hair and thought,

"Was it really that bad? I bet it would look cute with a nice lil relaxed cut. I wouldn't have to feel weird at work anymore, and then I could do the natural thing later. Or maybe not do it anymore. Man, my hair is looking CRAZY. What's going on? I notice the curl pattern is changing, parts seem looser, parts seem not to have one at all. Man, if I just kept my relaxed hair..."

Yes, I broke down and started thinking about going back. Like sin, I thought of what I lost, what I missed. I talked to my girl B. Fly about it one night, we were talking about how our hair was changing and I told her mine seemed to be loosing its pattern, and she told me how she changed her regimen and how it seemed to bring out more curls. Man, I thought, what is wrong with me?

But God! (I love Him). When you start thinking about the past, that's when you get off track. The past is the past. AND my past wasn't that great. I had fine (thin) hair that broke off like crazy, shed like crazy, and the times in between perms was ridiculous! I couldn't do anything with my hair, wasn't great at styling it, had to start flat-ironing it pretty much daily to keep the style, and it became an obsession to try to keep it looking right. When you think about where you are now, and realize that everything is not gravy, but it is better, you start to see your blessings for what it is and to appreciate it. I love my hair. It's thicker (as someone told me how thick, in a good way, it was), it's easier to manage, I don't have to worry about it as much, I can get up and go, I don't use heat, which is healthier for my hair, I take care of it and make sure I condition it regularly, which brings a shine, and yes, ladies, I got the curl pattern back with a little change in products!

This is a long road and journey I am on, and I thank God I have people who are on the journey with me. Thank you all. It ain't over!

Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

**Hi, my name is Honeybrown, and I'm an ex-perm addict**

**Hi, Honeybrown**

It's been approximately 6 months and 26 days since my last perm! Man, I still cannot believe that I may seriously beat this, or at least get a handle on it. They say addicts are never completely free of their addiction, right? Well, prayerfully, with God's help of course, I can be completely and utterly free from the addiction to perms.

But I must admit, I love playing with this natural hair! It's becoming another addiction! I'm trying not to become so much of a PJ that I know I can be, so I try to keep my regimen to certain products, but there are a few I definitely want to try! I will blog on products later.

Right now, I want to talk about my step 7, which involved me getting all of the straight pieces cut out of my hair! It happened last month around this time, when I got my first natural hairdo (besides the TWA), the coils.

So I guess I should start with putting a couple of pics up! Ha, yeah that would help right?!

The first pics are a week after the BC. The second group is a month later and then the last one is when I got my coils.

I wanted to get my relaxed ends cut. That was the purpose of the call to the salon. However, she talked me into, if my hair was long enough, getting coils. And of course it was long enough! lol. Anyway, she said that she would coil the hair first and then, I would get my relaxed ends cut. As the scissors hit my hair, I felt a weight, literally and figuratively, lift from my head. I was free from the chains that had been holding me down. I was soooo ready to rid myself of the drug that took over so much of my life, and I was ready to let God take care of the hair I had left, the hair He blessed me with. I have since had my coils out, and I didn't take a pic of my coil out as I should, but that will happen later. In the meantime, I am in the process of growing to love the hair I've been blessed with, growing to accept the changes in the texture, and growing to love me more and more! Peace and Blessings!

Product Highlight-Curls Milkshake

So now that I am natural, I have been able to try a couple of products. Here is a highlight of a product I fell in LOVE with. My natural friends suggested the Curls Milkshake pre my BC, so I started using the Milkshake while in transition. This product is wonderful. It's lightweight, so it doesn't feel like it is weighing your hair down. It smells and looks divine, and leaves your hair moisturized during the day. The product is made my Curls company and it is based for Type 3 curls, however, it works great for my Type 4 curls! The price isn't bad either!!!

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

**Hi, my name is Honeybrown, and I am an ex-perm addict**
**Hi, Honeybrown**

Ah, I haven't been as faithful to you blog as I should be. I've been playing around with my other blog. However, I must continue on my journey, so to keep people up to speed. It's been officially six months and 11 days since my last perm! I am so excited. It has also been two months since my big chop!

Man, do I remember that day vividly, the day I decided to let it go and let God do what He do. My appointment was set for 4 that afternoon, but around 9 I received a call from the shop where I was to receive my BC. The voice on the other end said that the person who was scheduled to do my hair couldn't do it, and asked if I wanted to reschedule or let the voice on the phone conduct the surgery/removal of the perm. Of course, I said the voice could do it. I wanted it off! Just like that, she said that as soon as I could get there, she'd be ready. I was excited and nervous all at the same time.

I have been used to having a perm most of my life, and I wasn't sure how it would be to seriously rid myself of the drug that I depended on for so many years. However, I had to roll. No time for reflection. I went to the shop, and as soon as I sat in the chair, she started cutting. It was like a load was off my shoulders. I looked in the mirror as she did her do, then washed my hair, then did more and more, and I couldn't help but smile to myself. I was free. I was rid of my dependency. As she said to me when I got in the chair and she chopped, no turning back now. And just as quick as I came, I left, with all natural hair and with confidence. Shoot, I had to have confidence to pull of that look!

I was ready to take on the world with my new, natural beauty!

Step 6-Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

Hi, my name is Honeybrown, and I am a perm addict

**Hi, Honeybrown**

It's been four months and 3 days since my last perm, and I have never felt better. In fact, yesterday I was entirely ready to have God remove all of my defects and got the big chop! All I can say is,

**God, please remove this vanity because I can't help but stop at every mirror I see**

First, I feel it necessary to update what has been going on.

A few years ago- I knew I had a problem. I thought of going natural, and went for a couple of days, found it too hard, and went back to my drug of choice.

December 2007- I was getting my hair done, my hair grown past my shoulders, broke off in the back of my hair. I was fed up. It was longer than my hair has been in a while, and I was loving the length, but I found out my problem was bigger than me.

March 31, 2008- I had my last perm. I didn't know at the time it was my last. In fact, I thought I would keep having perms.

May 2008- It was time for a perm, probably past time, and I thought about going natural when I would become pregnant with my first child. I thought, then it will grow quickly.

May 2008- while watching some videos on YouTube about going natural and the big chop, I was inspired to let go of my drug of choice and step out on the ledge, it was then I decided to not wait until I was pregnant, which may never happen, and make the decision today.

June 2008- I got my first big chop, and cut the back while still having permed ends at the top. I went to a stylist who didn't specialize in natural hair, and was going to do the real big chop, but felt uncomfortable. I wasn't sure I wanted to get rid of it all anyway. I wasn't too sure I could let the drug go completely until my hair reached a certain length.

July 2008- couldn't deal with the two textures anymore. Realized it's either I go all in, or I go all back to the drug. I decided, I won't go back.

August 2, 2008- I made the decision to give it to God, and take the relaxed ends off. I am loving my decision right now. In fact, it's inspired me to step up my style to keep up with the chic look!

I do believe I made the right choice, and I am ready to not look back! (the next blog will be about my BC!)

Transitioning is OVER!

**Hi, my name is Honeybrown, and I am a perm addict**

Hi, Honeybrown

It's been 4 months, yes, 4 months, since I had my last perm. Okay, at 10:05 its been 3 months and 29 days or whatever, but tomorrow will mark exactly 4 months since my last perm, and I'm so pumped! The longer I stay away from the drug, the easier it gets. However, I must admit to my fellow transition sistahs that I cannot take it anymore and am going towards step 6 on Saturday, August 2nd at 5:00 p.m. Yes, I am getting the rest of my relaxed ends cut and I am PSYCHED.

These past four months have been beautiful and hard. It's hard when you start to doubt yourself and others doubt you. I have been looking at pics of myself from back when I was relaxed, and started thinking that maybe I can't care for the natural hair so I should go back. Also, my mom has been doubting me, and that's tough, because I value her opinion so much. It's beautiful when you see your natural hair in the mirror and are inspired by other natural women. I have noticed so many beautiful natural women who can wear their hair curly and straight and make it look fantastic, and I think that I could be there one day too. Transitioning has been bittersweet. I have loved seeing the new growth peaking through, but I have had a hard time dealing with the relaxed ends. I was never good with them to begin with! So mainly, I've been cultivating the new growth, and it's not good for the other parts of your hair. These two lovers are selfish though, and I have made up in my mind I'm getting rid of one of them...and that happens in three days!!

You know how you wait for something, and either it's better than or worse than you thought? I must admit I'm scared it will turn out worse and I will think what in the world have I done! But, you know, I've heard a many times in chuch (church, yes i misspelled it on purpose for the effect) that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real, so I keep telling myself that it will be okay...well, I guess we will see, won't we?

I honestly think....this weekend....will determine if I am really ready to let the perms out of my life for good.......pray for a sistah!

RELAPSE: Beedi Bees

Hi, my name is Honeybrown, and I am a perm addict

**Hi Honeybrown**

It's been three months and 14 days since my last perm. I was going to write about step six, however, I think it's more important to talk about my first thought of relapse.

I went to get my hair cut. Yes, I wanted to do a semi-big chop. So I did. Well, first mistake, was going to someone who does not specialize in natural hair. I love her, but she wanted to convince me to get a perm. It's much easier kept running through my mind, as she said, "Are you sure u don't want to try ***?" I was really tempted at this point. Wouldn't it be eaiser to just go ahead and relax this hair and wait until later to do the whole naturalization thing?

Think about your friend's wedding, wouldn't it be easier to relax it for her sake?

Think about work and the new position you are applying for, wouldn't it be eaiser to relax it for their sake?

Think about what most men think of, wouldn't it be easier to relax your hair for their sake?

Then, I had to remind myself, with God's help, that this isn't for anyone else's sake. This is for my sake. I can't do this for anyone else, and if I don't do it now, there is no guarantee I will do it later...


But I had thoughts, and they kept creeping up. What motivates me? My friends, giving me love and support; seeing as many (and there are many) natural ladies out in the world wearing their curls loud and proud, pictures of women who inspire me, and especially the natural ones, and most importantly, God. Yep, God. Why, you say? Because, He made me this way, and if I can't be satisfied with the way He made me, will I ever be satisfied with who I am in Him?

Not everyone has a spiritual moment when going natural, but I must admit, that these twelve steps really apply to me.

I have them beedi bees Martin teased Pam about, and I'm no longer ashamed about it!